More times than I can count, I have wondered why I was never enough. Why did everything I did feel less than what others did for me? As unhealthy as it was, belittling myself was a daily occurrence. Even though I knew everything I did mattered, inside, I felt small and insignificant. I could build a bridge while someone carried a brick; in my eyes, their action would be more valuable. I could hope my actions matched up but inside I knew better.
There was a time when I was told that depression didn’t exist; it was in my head. I make myself depressed; I give myself anxiety because I can’t seem to live in the present. Furthermore, I believed it. I chastised myself for being unable to focus on the present. Believe me, I tried. I didn’t want to be depressed. I wanted to be happy. To laugh at jokes and find peace in the simple things. I wanted to look in the mirror and tell myself I was beautiful without highlighting my flaws. I wanted to sing, run, and dance because I felt good, but I found it hard. Why was it so hard?
As much as I tried to get out of the slump I was in, I ended up slipping back in.
The poem below “As the Seasons Change,” is a piece I wrote to give myself hope. It highlights that even though things seem dark and confusing, there is a way out. Somewhere, somehow, I still hoped for more.
As the Seasons Change – A Poem of Change and Hope
As the seasons change so do the trees.
-Primrose Morrison
As the days grow longer and the nights grow shorter,
our souls cry out for a place to belong.
The ache in our heart waiting for love.
Life as we see it feels meaningless.
On the verge of giving up, we let the wall crumble
Depression and loneliness seep in through the cracks
Pressing on our chest, restricting our breath
Digging our graves, burying our thoughts
Chanting “No more emotions, no more pain”
Yet up ahead there shines a faint but radiant light
Seeping in through the cracks
Finding its place amongst the darkness
Making itself a home
Warming the shivers in my spine
As we slowly think about giving up
Our lives feel meaningless
As our hearts ache to be loved
Our souls cry out for belonging
Yet the days grow longer, and the nights grow shorter
As the seasons change so does our faith
Do not give up, do not give in,
I will always be right here if you need anything.
Reflection – What Inspired These Words
Reflecting on this piece, I realize it’s okay to change. What I feel doesn’t get to be defined by what someone wants me to feel. Because I can’t seem to find the emotion they crave, I feel as though I am failing them. Failing everyone around me and failing myself because my social battery doesn’t last as long, or I don’t laugh as long at the joke. If you notice, even though the seasons change, we do not look forward to certain months, but we learn to accept it because whether we like it or not, the seasons will always change. Even though I may be depressed and lonely today, it will change. It will always change.
Tips and Advice – 3 Ways to Hold onto Hope
1. Acknowledge your feelings. What we feel today doesn’t dictate what we will feel for the rest of our lives. Denying or suppressing your emotions can make the guilt heavier. Acknowledge it and go through it. Feel it, embrace it, and let it go when it feels right.
2. Celebrate the small wins: when hope seems distant, celebrate the small things, such as singing along to a song, finally replying to a text message, going for a walk, and doing a 10-minute workout instead of 30 minutes (I have done this). Celebrate everything because YOU DID IT. Make the small things enjoyable because they are worth acknowledgment.
3. Reach out for support: Speaking with someone who understands what you are going through can be such a relief as you feel less alone. Join support groups, as they are a way to connect with like-minded individuals.
Hope is Always Within Reach
Remember. Hope isn’t about ignoring the pain, but rather finding a glimmer of light amid the storm. In the moments of depression, you may feel overwhelmed, yet within these moments hope becomes most powerful. When you are facing difficult times, how do you find the strength to carry on? What is your “why”?
